I am at a point in my life where things just don't seem to settle down. Every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel it almost immediately turns to total darkness again. I'm beginning to discover how immature I really am, but also at the same time I discover how much I've matured over the years. I am not the girl that says "I regret nothing" because I do. I am the girl who is in the process of trying to figure out what love is...does it have a meaning? Is there more than one type? Does it even exist?
I will admit, although I am only 22, I do feel as though I am in love. I found him. You would think that this would be an awesome discovery, until you realize that time also plays a role in this thing we call love. I am not afraid of love...I am however afraid of time. Ever since I've fallen in love I've been afraid of running out of time...or that too much time might tear us apart. My fear of time came to haunt me on April 24, 2010.
On this night, April 24, 2010...the man of my dreams dropped to one knee. I can still see the tears in his eyes and feel my tears rolling down my face. I knew that there was no doubt in my mind that this man was my husband...however, I knew deep in my heart it wasn't the time. There was still so much to talk about. There was still too much to work out and accomplish. But because of my fear of time running out, I was dishonest. I said "yes" when I should have said "I can't say yes now, but I will say yes one day". I thought at the time that our time to get married had come sooner than I had expected. I wasn't dishonest on purpose, I was just overwhelmed and afraid of disappointing everyone.
I have learned over the past several months that an engagement is not a mending tool. You can't use an engagement to fix a relationship. We know that now...but how do you turn around and go back? We have always had so many opinions from other people...some positive and some negative. We have always been in the public eye...and it has hurt us as individuals and as a couple. When is it going to be our turn to just be us...to just be silly and not have to hear the opinions of others. If you saw me and him interact with each other, you would know that there is no better fit...it just works.
I have come to the discovery that love cannot be defined by a dictionary. Love has its own separate meanings between the people that it is shared with. I love him for not only the man that he is and will become, but because of the person that I am when I am with him. I love him for the movies that we watch and the dance moves that we share. I love him for the days on the lake and the days when I let him be the little spoon. The love that we have is the love that makes a lasting couple...the love that makes a husband and a wife.
About a week ago, we decided to finally be honest with each other and admit that our timing was off. So now what? We're still trying to figure that out...and I especially have to learn during this process to let time take over.
We have finally learned that with Love, Time, and Honesty that this can work. We just haven't been able to get those three elements to co exist since we've met each other. However, I think the three elements have finally come together and that a beautiful ending will someday exist.
